Praesent interdum luctus

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the barman says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me £25,000."
"Sorry, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A serious drunk walked into the Hilderthorpe Pub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, no good pisshead!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the head. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight."

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that bloke's ass.

Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".

 Signs that you may have had too much to drink.

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 
5.) you have grit stuck in the sole of your feet 
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) you wake up in a skip 
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the toilet. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender goes into the toilet  to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hiding under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really went on one last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a load of plasters stuck to the mirror."

A bear walks into a bar in Bridlington and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bridlington."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to bothersome bears in bars in Bridlington."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bothersome, bully bears in bars in Bridlington."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bothersome, bully bears in bars in Bridlington that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."